Mental Health Awareness - Pre Diagnosis
After going back and forth in my head about whether to do this, I finally decided to write a few blog posts on mental health, and when better to do this, then during Mental Health week 2018.
Disclaimer: In no way am I telling you that because you have low days and you cry now and then that you definitely have a mental health issue, please don't self diagnose yourself, if you are concerned about your well being, speak to a professional or someone you trust. Thank you!
Don't get me wrong, there are numerous days where I can be in my happiest form and love myself but I really do struggle with self love and self appreciation.
Self doubt - I have no confidence in myself or my "abilities", but I am trying really hard to work on my assurance, in terms of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing more things I'm afraid of. When I was younger I was always unintentionally compared to people and their successes, which sadly has remained in adulthood, "they're better than me, I'm not good enough", "wow, look at what ______ is doing now, I could never even attempt something like that", "what is the point of getting out of bed", "what is my actual purpose". Hence the cycle continues. Self doubt, self hate, self doubt, self hate etc.
Disclaimer: In no way am I telling you that because you have low days and you cry now and then that you definitely have a mental health issue, please don't self diagnose yourself, if you are concerned about your well being, speak to a professional or someone you trust. Thank you!
Everyone's mental health is different, so my story may be similar to others, or it may be completely unlike others and that's okay. We all have varying triggers.
Anxiety and Depression - Writing this all down suddenly makes me feel so vulnerable, this it the first time that I've fully spoken about how I've felt, outside of my doctors appointment, so please bear with me.
Pre Diagnosis
Around
2015 was when I really remember feeling incredibly "different", my
thoughts were so distorted by nothing but negativity about everything,
including myself, as well as constant worry about every little thing - I
just believed that it was down to the stress of university, so, I
pushed it to the side and continued to work, as well as study for my
degree.
Another year past and I found myself in a job I didn't enjoy which just added
to my negativity and worry because I began to wonder why I wasn't practical enough to get a new job, why I wasn't functional enough to get away from the norm. Application - rejection, application - rejection, leaving me feeling completely useless, hopeless and a failure. I had spent 3 years at university, to be back where I was before I even began my degree and I couldn't find a way out, I've failed myself and my family. A common cycle I found
myself stuck in; Uselessness, hopelessness, failure.
I also had other thoughts and feelings about myself that led to me becoming increasingly concerned about my well being:
Self
hate - Pretty self explanatory. About 80% of the time I honestly do not
like myself as extreme as it seems, it's beyond true, I'm
still unaware of where this first stemmed from, or what could have
first triggered this feeling of self hate, but it feels like I'm in my
own personal hell. ME against ME. I also had other thoughts and feelings about myself that led to me becoming increasingly concerned about my well being:
Don't get me wrong, there are numerous days where I can be in my happiest form and love myself but I really do struggle with self love and self appreciation.
Self doubt - I have no confidence in myself or my "abilities", but I am trying really hard to work on my assurance, in terms of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing more things I'm afraid of. When I was younger I was always unintentionally compared to people and their successes, which sadly has remained in adulthood, "they're better than me, I'm not good enough", "wow, look at what ______ is doing now, I could never even attempt something like that", "what is the point of getting out of bed", "what is my actual purpose". Hence the cycle continues. Self doubt, self hate, self doubt, self hate etc.
Uncontrollable
worry - I cannot even explain how much I worry about every little,
minuscule thing, to the point where I annoy everyone around me, for
example, I would have locked the door, I know I did, I will then check
it twice before going upstairs, then ask people around me if it's
locked, confirm it is, eventually go to bed - spend about 10 minutes
tossing and turning and then go back downstairs to recheck the door I
KNOW for a fact I locked. This is a daily occurrence, I'm not kidding.
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